On December 8,1728 Paul Daneo writes: “In prayer I was at peace as usual. In offering the sufferings which my Jesus endured I felt moved to tears; likewise in praying for the needs of my neighbor. At holy Communion I was particularly recollected, especially is a sorrowful and loving remembrance of the sufferings of my Jesus.      “This high favor which the good God grants me at such a time I know not how to explain because I cannot. You must know that, in recalling the sufferings of my dear Jesus, sometimes when I have only recalled one or two I have to stop because the soul can say no more and feels that it is melting away. It remains thus languishing with the greatest sweetness mingled with tears, with the sufferings of the Spouse infused into it; or to explain it more clearly, it is immersed in the Heart and in the sorrows of its beloved Spouse, Jesus. Sometimes it understands them all, and remains thus in God in this loving and sorrowful contemplation. It is very difficult to explain; it always seems to me to be something new.”

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, as I sit and ponder upon the Crucifix I am filled with awe and wonderment. It is hard for me to look at You upon that Cross and not see the Love permeating from it! Each wound shows me the mystery behind my God. These wounds are openings that speak to me of love: compassion, sacrifice, salvation, and total dedication and giving of self. I will never understand why You decided to suffer for us in this way, but I do want You to know that I am eternally grateful to a God that gave His all for me. You gave Yourself willingly, humbly, and quietly for me! How can I ever repay You? Maybe by being the person You want and need be to be? Help me to be open to Your guidance. I am already open to Your love!

     Orlando’s entry: To think that the week before, Paul was in a well of dryness and depression. Today was a luminous time for him. Through perseverance in prayer, God finally reward him with emotions of love and empathy for the Crucified Jesus and for humanity. It is not altogether pleasant; there are bitter tears and deep sorrow involved. And then, for this anointed man, CONTEMPLATION of the mystery, wonder, and consolation of God descends upon him. Such an experience is unexplainable.    

 I loved how he wrote that the God experience seems brand new every day. Today I had little time to pray in my usual way. Berta had an important appointment with the eye doctor. We were very worried about her eyesight. Because of the coronavirus, I had to wait outside for 1 1/2 hours. I prayed for so many people, then went for a long walk in the thirty-degree windy weather. My eyes and heart gradually opened to the desolate late-fall landscape on either side of Shelter Rock Road. I praised my God for His Creation. As I walked all alone in that expanse, I had to stop three times to look behind me, because I felt that someone was walking right in back of me. There was no person anywhere. Suddenly, I just KNEW that my silent companion was Jesus Himself. That was an unexpected, new experience for me!    

 Back at the car, on the phone, I rejoiced and thanked and praised God with my Charismatic God-friend Marie, because our friend Betty had come out successfully from her cancer operation. Just then, my wife came into the car to tell us that her eyes were fine! The three of us, through speaker-phone, went on and on in laughter and praise for our Living God. We just couldn’t stop. It was a wild, luminous moment. Thank You, My Lord!

     On December 7th,1720 Paul Daneo writes this large entry: “ During morning prayer I was at peace and then again troubled with thoughts. At holy Communion I was particularly recollected and uplifted with tears to such an extent that my bones and my stomach ached for I was shivering a little from the cold— but then it all disappeared. This often happens to me. I know I have felt bodily weakness before— oh infinite mercy of our Sovereign Good! After holy Communion, I feel myself growing better and strong. According to the understanding God gives me, this comes from the great strength which the soul receives from that angelic Food which has likewise the effect of strengthening the body.  

  ” I had likewise great fervor mingled with tears in praying for the conversion of poor sinners; I kept telling God that I could no longer bear to see Him offended. I had also special tenderness in imploring God in His mercy to found the holy Congregation quickly, and send forth some people for His greater glory and for the good of their neighbors— this with great desire and fervor. I asked Him to accept me as the least and lowest servant of His poor, and it seemed to me that I was utterly unworthy (as indeed I am) to serve Him as a scullion.    

” I had great self-knowledge. When God gives me this deep knowledge of myself, it seems to me that I am worse than a devil, that I am a smelly cesspool, as in truth is the case; but never do I lose the greatest and most tender confidence in my Sacramental Spouse. I tell Him that in giving me so many graces and such innumerable favors, He only displays all the more His infinite mercies because He acts thus toward the greatest of sinners. In all things, blessed be His holy name.”

     Orlando’s entry: This is a very important day for the Passionist Congregation. Paolo finishes writing his Rule on this day. This day is at the heart of our celebration of the 300th YearJubilee, as we observe it in a way similar to San Paolo—” in lock-down “, “stay-at-home”, “quarantined”, feeling the cold of winter growing around us.  Thank You Lord, for giving us this consolation in the middle of this strange, sorrowful time!     Paolo’s entry for this day speaks more eloquently than anything else I can say about his themes: the power of the Eucharist, the zeal for mission in saving others, the finding of who we are through our Lord Jesus Christ: unworthy creatures, so beloved by Him!

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, it fascinates me how Paul was so in tune with the Sacramental Jesus. Do WE truly see You, my Lord Jesus in that Host? Are WE truly aware, as Paul was of the many graces and favors You bestow on us every time we take You into our bodies?      No matter how I look at it, I know very well that I am a sinner. I know that I am not perfect, but I also know that You, my Jesus, love me! Thank You for not putting me aside or throwing me away for my imperfections and my sins. Every time I take You, my Jesus, into my body, I know that I am being filled with Your goodness and Your love. There is nothing that can compare to this. May every one of Your children, Lord, that takes You into their bodies at Mass realize what a treasure they are taking. Every part of us is being fed: our mind, body, soul and spirit. “In all things blessed be Your Holy Name.” 

     On December 6, 1720 Paul Daneo wrote: “I was especially recollected, particularly during holy Communion after which I had great peace and tranquility with a sense of intense love. I was especially fervent in praying to God that He would hasten to found this Congregation in holy Church, and for sinners. I had a keen infused knowledge of the sufferings of my Jesus, and I felt so ardent a desire to be perfectly united with Him that I wished really to feel His sufferings and to be on the Cross with Him.     “These wonders cannot be explained through bodily comparisons because God makes them understood deep down in the soul with movements so spiritual that they cannot be explained— yet they are understood in a second.     All the rest of the day I was dry and also troubled with thoughts, but at peace.”

     Orlando’s entry: On his 14th day, Paul again finds great love and consolation during Communion. I can relate to that. The best thing that happens in my life is receiving the Living Jesus into my body. He has been there all along, but this infusion of Sacramental grace is what I wish for and pray for everyone in this world to experience.     On this day the young Paolo feels great zeal for his mission to establish the Congregation that will become my beloved Passionists. Thank You Lord. Paolo’s Charism also takes hold of him. He feels this “ardent desire” to share in, to feel, the sufferings of Jesus. I believe this is impossible for any human being. The agony that the Man God felt is too much for us to experience. As we strive to share in His incandescent wounds, instead of hurting us, their fire of Love gives us peace, strength, and hope above all suffering. This is my experience; it is hard to explain. By God’s merciful Will, I have hardly suffered in my life, but I know that my personal passion will come. I truly hope in faith that my Jesus will be with me through it all, as He takes me Home.

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, since we are following our retreat through St. Paul of the Cross’ diary entries, I feel compelled to write in mine. Today, for me, is one of those days “troubled with thoughts”. It was hard to concentrate, first on Your Word, Lord, and then on all our other readings. I am riding the roller coaster of humanity. Outside sources are working on me and that gets in my way to being with You, my God!      St. Paul this day was fervently praying to God regarding his mission. This prayer took him straight to the source. It took him to the Cross and to You my Jesus, our All!  Paul wanted to share in Your sufferings and to be in that Cross with You. After those seconds of connection to You, he went back to being “dry and also troubled with thoughts”, but at peace.”      Lord Jesus, today my soul, my mind, my body, and my spirit need mending. Looking at You on that Cross shows me how much You love me and how much You want to heal me! You have taken upon Yourself all our sins and sufferings. Help me now to fight the good fight. Help me to join You on that Cross and find peace and healing. Wash me with Your Precious Blood and Water that You spilled there on Calvary. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit, that will then guide me into our Father’s arms! I would like to reflect You, my God! Your mercy and love is all I need today! Your Light will be my guide.

     On December 5, 1720 Paolo writes: “During prayer and at Communion I was at peace. At the beginning— that is, before receiving Communion— I had much tenderness and also much self-knowledge. I asked the angels who assist at the adorable mystery to drive me forth from the church as worse than a devil; but at the same time special confidence in my Sacramental Spouse did not desert me. I asked Him to keep in mind the saying He has left me in the holy Gospel, that He is come to call not the just but sinners.”

     Orlando’s entry: I have got to stop watching the cable news before doing my meditations with Berta. I went into our readings distracted, full of anger and guilt regarding a number of people in the news.  Providentially at the end of our meditation we read from Passionist Bennet Kelley’s booklet of daily reflections (“Living Wisdom for Every Day”). In the Paul of the Cross quote for the day, the saint advises us not to see our resentment of others as a sin (!) but as an invitation to love, as we see that person that bothers us “at the side of Jesus”. A picture of the wounds of Jesus shining with incandescent white heat : power, love, forgiveness, mission, and so much more, radiating into me, takes over my mind and scares me, at the same time that this light heals me in so many ways! Jesus, Your Passion is the vortex, the center of gravity that lets me approach the answer, or at least some peace, in the mysteries of suffering and sin.      In his diary, 26-year old Paolo has a strangely similar experience. The Eucharist does not take him into a spiritual ecstasy this time, but rather into the peace of Jesus. That’s fine with me! But so much Jesus in our hearts, can split us open like the Sword, the Word, does, and exposes so many evil instincts in him (and me!). He feels violent  remorse. But his beloved Master reminds Paolo that he will never let him go. Our Lord came to heal sinners like him and me. This is an important Paulocrutian theme. Oh merciful God! I love You.     

Berta’s entry:  Dear Jesus, I trust in You! When we persist in calling out to You, You come, answer, and leave us with Your love. In Paolo’s diary entry today, he wrote that before Mass he was at peace. Before Communion he had “much tenderness and also much self-knowledge”. Yet, after Communion, he was asking the angels to treat him worse than a devil. But Paolo ended his entry by saying: “I asked Him to keep in mind the saying He has left me in the holy Gospel that he is come to call not the just but sinners.”     Here was a day of peace and self-knowledge but after Communion he sensed that he was not being humble enough. Here he was thinking that he had it all. What happened at Communion that he wanted to be treated worse than devils? I suppose that knowing that You, Jesus, came more for sinners than the righteous gave him some comfort.      The ups and downs of the psyche! One minute peace, the next neutral, then comes the misery, the sorrow, the uncertainty, the guilt… then back up to a much better thought process and attitude—the roller coaster of humanity. We have no peace, no satisfaction, unless we are with You, my Lord Jesus. You are the steady, dependable source in my life. I look to You for peace, understanding, patience and calmness! I look to You to help me understand myself through Your eyes. I realize that I have always been a sinner and that hasn’t changed. Thank You for coming for me! Help me see myself as You see me!  

     On December 4, 1720 Paolo Daneo writes: “I was recollected during prayer and also experienced a mild restlessness in my thoughts. At holy Communion I had much sweetness. My dear God gave me infused knowledge of the joy which the soul will have when we see Him face to face, when it will be united with him in holy love.     Then I felt sorrow to see Him offended and I told Him that I would willingly be torn to pieces for a single soul. Indeed, I felt that I would die when I saw the loss of so many souls who do not  experience the fruit of the Passion of my Jesus.      When God gives me this deep understanding of the joy felt in seeing Him face to face, that is when united to Him, the soul can no longer bear to remain in the body, so to speak, because with a deep light of faith it sees itself in the infinite love of God; it feels a wish to be separated from the body.      I remember I once said before that the body is the chain of the soul and holds it in bondage; and until God breaks it by the death of the body, the soul cannot fly to union with the perfect vision of its beloved Good.

     Orlando’s entry: Paolo has a much “better” spiritual day— recollected in prayer with a joyful taste of heaven at Communion, with intense sorrow and compassion for none-believers, and the “deep understanding of the joy of seeing Him face to face.” With “a deep light of faith” the soul “sees itself in the infinite love of God.” Paolo actually looks forward to death itself— the ultimate prayer experience of union with God! After 12 days in the desert our Lord has taken such mercy upon this young saint and rewarded him with this deep, wonderful, mystical experience.      Lately I find myself undergoing moments that approximate these great prayer experiences, always at Communion, and  then suddenly feeling great sorrow for so many people I know who are unaware that there is a God who loves us so tremendously. Please Lord enable them to see and feel that which You so lovingly give me. Thank You Lord, for this forty-day retreat! Thank You for Your “deep light of faith!”

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, today in his diary entry, one of Paolo’s statements hit very close to me. He felt totally united with our God, where his soul would be face to face with Him in love.But then Paolo felt guilty, and felt that he had offended our God by thinking this. He felt sorrow for all those souls that don’t experience the love that our God has to offer.      During this Pandemic I have been “in a desert” most of the time. Only now, doing this retreat with my husband, am I allowing my soul to reach out to You, my Lord Jesus. It has been very fulfilling for me. I feel that once again I’m building a relationship with You, my God!      But then this diary entry points out to me that I am neglecting the people around me.  I’m neglecting being the voice, hands, and feet of You, Jesus, here on earth. I’m neglecting sharing You, my God. I’m enclosed within myself and my needs. My cocoon is well built; it’s impenetrable. St. Paul said he would die for those souls that don’y know You, my God. I’m not there yet! I need You to open the cocoon from the outside and pull me out there. Ready or not, here I come! And yet I want to be ready, and You,my God, are the only one that can help me! I turn it over to You. Minister to me, and in so doing You will help me to minister Your love and Your Word to others! Thank You,  Father, Son and Holy Spirit! I trust in You.

     On December 3, 1720 Paul Daneo wrote: “ All day long I was troubled with great sorrows. I had some experience of them when I was in the world but not so vivid and violent. For my part, although I am in such a state, I feel a great wish for them to continue. I can even say to you that when such afflictions— I don’t know exactly what to call them— come to me, I seem to be buried in the depths of misery, to be the most wretched and desolate of men. Nevertheless the soul embraces them because it knows that this is God’s Will and that these are the joys of Jesus. I remember to say with St. Teresa : ‘To suffer or die.’”

    Orlando’s entry: Paolo’s dryness and depression crystallizes into deep “vivid and violent sorrows”.  Nevertheless, he embraces them because he believes that they come from God’s Will and they are “the joys of Jesus”. Is this “joy?” To say with St. Teresa “To suffer of die”?

    Paolo is being drawn into the heart of suffering: the Passion of our Lord. Like him, we share in the Sorrows of Jesus and realize that behind them is the pure joy of God’s Glory, Love, Peace ….. Berta and I were suddenly drawn to ask God: “ Who are You?” It is such a mystery. Dear Lord are You impassible, above all feeling whether of joy, sorrow, or even love? But You ARE Love! When You became one of us You felt all these emotions– You are capable of them! I find myself caught between another Ying and Yang that my faith makes me face. Fortunately, the Tao, the Logos, the Word, becomes the Way into Your mystery of joy and sorrow, which is beyond my understanding. 
    Your Holy Spirit, like a spike, the hollow spike which is hammered into a maple tree, pierces my heart. What come out is blood and tears. Sooner or later suffering will take over our lives. We are meant to COMPASSIONATE with You, dear Savior. This is the narrow gate into eternal joy with You. The more I learn and analyze, the less I know and understand. All I know is that I love You! And, even more importantly, YOU love me!

    Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, today everything I have read has been leading me to understand that my soul and my self are longing and craving to get closer to You, my God. I realized with the help of the Holy Spirit that getting closer to You can happen through different types of prayer and experiences. There is intercessory prayer. There is great time alone with You. There is the Eucharistic celebration. There are the ministries we involve ourselves with. But the one that has affected me the most is the misery and suffering that one can go through. Does this truly bring me closer to my God? 
    St. Paul of the Cross in today’s entry wrote: “All day long I was troubled with great sorrows….. For my part, although I am in such a state, I feel a great wish for them to continue.” At first I had a hard time understanding this, until I recalled that sometimes I like feeling miserable. Why? I am not sure. But then I continued reading the entry, and here Paul explains: “Nevertheless the soul embraces [this misery] because it knows that this is God’s Will and that these are the joys of Jesus.” 
    How can our feeling miserable and wretched be the “joys of Jesus”? The answer I received from the Holy Spirit is that we can join You, Jesus, in Your Passion. Yes, I believe that through all that misery, pain and disillusionment You were also feeling the joy of knowing You were doing Your Father’s Will, which was only done because of Love. Love was at the heart of it all! Love of His creation. Love, compassion, empathy, all lead to sacrifice on that Cross! I agree with St. Paul. We need to be with You, Jesus inYour Passion, because at the end of that journey what we will receive is joy, truth, love, and resurrection. A new life! A new hope!  Thank You my God! Thank You for allowing me to sacrifice a bit for You! Thank You for inviting me in!

  
     On December 2, 1720, Paul Daneo writes: “ I was without feeling and distracted both during prayer and at holy Communion but with this difference: at holy Communion I was not distracted and indeed I am hardly ever distracted then; dry and without feeling, yes indeed, but either before or afterwards I nearly always seem to experience a movement of the heart which comes and goes in a second so that I hardly notice it. Then I remain like a stump or it continues longer. In all things, blessed be the sweet Giver of all good.”       

Orlando’s entry: This is an important day. Paolo begins to write the Rule for the religious order that he wishes to establish. Perhaps Paul needed to do something like this in order to get out of the spiritual rut that he was in. He writes about his dry, uninspired day, except for a split second during the Eucharist, when he experiences a “movement of the heart”. I relate to that. There has not been a single Eucharist, among the thousands of Masses that I have celebrated since my conversion the I have not been STRUCK by the Divine Spirit of Jesus, the High Priest. That is one primary reason why I am still here, in this spiritual journey.     Today, talking about the inspirations of saints like St. Paul of the Cross, my Berta remembered being distracted during prayer thinking about her mother and what a good woman she was— all the good that she did and left behind, especially in her daughter. Berta began to cry deeply about the ways she let her mother down. The Passionist Bennet Kelly consoled us in his writing: “Lord free me from any scruples about not being perfect and deepen my conviction that You love me no matter what.”   I believe that’s how her mother feels about Berta. We remembered her, she actually had a spiritual Christian life when she lived alone. We really believe she is a saint in heaven praying for us….. Edenia, please talk to Our Beloved. Intercede for Berta’s health! Berta, my love— you’re one of the kindest women I have ever known. Jesus is very, very proud of you, just like I am!

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, in St. Paul of the Cross’ diary today, he brought up again how he was without feeling and distracted except in holy Communion. It’s fascinating to me how this man who went through this, 300 years ago, could have experienced what I experience. Lord, I am not a saint, but I identify with this man, who is one. That shows me, my God, that we are all human, going through the human experiences of distraction, lack of feeling, hunger, thirst, happiness, unhappiness, fear, relief, temptations! What keeps me  aware of You are those seconds that St. Paul of the Cross mentions: the Touch that comes from the Divine. It could be at Mass. It could be in conversation. It could be a bird’s song, or the beauty of a natural scene, or my granddaughter’s smile. God is present to us at all times, but due to our human frailties we only notice them for a second here and there. So we walk through life as if in a desert, going from oasis to oasis, drinking the Water of Life for just a few seconds. Yet that Water of Life, which is You, Jesus, will help us to never thirst again, or at least get us to the next oasis!     You are the Light! You are the Life! You are Love incarnate! Thank You my Jesus, King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Help me to find You always in my human desert.

One thing to appreciate in the Advent readings is the beautiful continuity between the Old and  New Testaments. The Prophet Isaiah and the Gospel of Matthew are the principal Advent voices representing the Old Testament and the New. We can see continuity in their readings today, Wednesday of Advent’s first week.  

God promises a feast of rich food and choice wines on his mountain, Isaiah says in our first reading. “God will wipe away the tears from all faces.” His hand, his power, rests on his holy mountain. His power is revealed there. 

Jesus ascends the mountain in Matthew’s gospel, not only to teach as he does earlier in the Sermon on the Mount, but to “wipe away the tears from all faces.” “Great crowds came to him, having with them the lame, the blind, the deformed, the mute, and many others. They placed them at his feet, and he cured them.”

Then, having compassion on the crowd, Jesus provides them with a banquet from 7 loaves of bread and a few fish. This is not a ration to get them through the day till they get home. The miracle turns into a banquet, where there’s more than enough, there are leftovers. ( Matthew 15: 32-38 )

The mountain is a symbolic place for Isaiah, as it is for Matthew. All nations will stream toward that mountain, Isaiah announces in a key reading of Advent, which we hear as Advent begins and is repeated every Monday at morning prayer in the Liturgy of the Hours.

The promises Isaiah and Jesus make are magnificent promises, but they will be questioned and denied by powerful elements in their society. The rulers of the people, with the scribes and Pharisees reject Jesus. 

Denial for Isaiah comes from Ahaz, King of Judea, who doesn’t accept the prophet’s mission or his magnificent dream of faith. He’s a realist, like many today, and Isaiah’s promises are unreal.  He dismisses the prophet’s dream of the holy mountain, courteously it seems;  he’s not going to run his country on religious dreams.  

Ahaz is recalled every Wednesday in Advent in the reading for morning prayer and then later in Advent along with an important reading at Mass–the announcement to Mary that she will be the mother of Jesus Christ. He’s the voice of denial, found in our world and in us.

There is also an emphasis on the humanity of Christ in our Advent readings. It appears in the frequent references to the “root of Jesse” , father of David. The Jesse tree that traces Jesus back through his ancestors in Jewish history is a popular feature in Advent. It reminds us that Jesus is rooted in humanity. He is not an angelic messenger who quickly returns to the heavenly Kingdom. He does not live among us as a stranger from another world. “The Word was made flesh and dwelt among us.” 

Matthew’s gospel emphasizes the rootedness of Jesus in our humanity as he begins his gospel with the genealogy of Jesus. We too easily dismiss the extent of our Lord’s incarnation.

The Advent readings are good reading, a wonderful catechism of faith. 

     In his dark and dreary room, Paolo Daneo writes on December 1, 1720 : “ Both during prayer and at Communion I was dry and distracted, with a little of that depression which I mentioned before.”          

Orlando’s entry: Paolo spends his 9th day in dryness, distraction and depression, with little inspiration to write much. I can see why Fr. Victor warned that this retreat would be a “desert experience.” The rainy, dreary days of November and December 2020 with the threat of the COVID and worries about the demise of our trust in our system of democracy, with the anxiety and the physical problems that my wife and I are undergoing, it is going to be a challenging time. I am reminded of the first reading for the 1st Sunday of Advent from the Book of Isaiah : “ Behold, You [Our God] are angry, and we are sinful; all of us have become like unclean people, all our good deeds are like polluted rags; we have all withered like leaves, and our guilt carries us away like the wind. There is none who calls upon Your name, who rouses himself to cling to You; for You have hidden Your face from us and have delivered us up to our guilt.   Yet, oh Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay and You the Potter: we are all the work of Your hands.”      Berta and I persist in our efforts. We sit together, share our readings and our feelings, questions, and God-inspirations. Today we wondered about the mystery of human suffering. We wondered why God did not save us in a different way, rather than the horrid ritual of the Passion. We looked into each others’ eyes, affirmed our trust in our God, who has given us so much joy, and we realized how much closer this activity has brought us together, the THREE of us.         

 Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, I am as distracted today as St. Paul of the Cross was, that day in 1720. I come in and out of concentrating on God during prayer. Memories, noises, distractions, all are keeping me from You, my Lord. Let’s see what a visit to church, and Communion will do. Are my difficulties related to the bit of confusion and mental fogginess I feel because of my eye problems? I turn all of these to You! I dedicate my discomfort to You, my Lord Jesus. I know You are there at my side. Please, Holy Spirit guide me through the day; open my eyes to truly see! Help me through the day, my Triune God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I trust in You!