We are only including an excerpt of Paul Daneo’s long entry in the diary for December 21st. During this longest night of the year, he undergoes his darkest night so far. His flesh rebels against his spirit and he cannot sustain a prayerful state. His mood is foul. He even makes “unbecoming remarks” against the Parish priests he has to serve. He is even assailed by the most blasphemous of thoughts. In his guilt, he feels the attack of the devil, jealous of Paolo’s desire to be with God. Paolo is more desperate and miserable than ever before. But he invokes the help of his Beloved Mother Mary and faces his agonies with perseverance and total surrender. He welcomes suffering for the following reasons:     “ I would like to make everyone understand the great grace that God, in His mercy, bestows when He sends suffering, especially suffering devoid of consolation. Then indeed the soul is purified like gold in the furnace; without knowing it it becomes radiant and is set free to take flight to its Good, that is to the blessed transformation. It carries the Cross with Jesus and knows it not. This arises from the number and variety of sufferings, which make it forget everything and no longer remembers that it suffers.      “ I understand that this is  great and fruitful way of suffering, most pleasing to God, because the soul thereby becomes indifferent to such an extent that it no longer thinks of sorrow or joy but solely of remaining comformed to the holy Will of its beloved Spouse, Jesus. It desires above all else to be crucified with Him because in this it is more comformable to its beloved God, who during His whole life did nothing but suffer. In all things praised be the Sovereign Good who in His infinite Goodness has deigned to give this infused understanding to such a wretched sinner.”

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, what an agonizing day for Paul Daneo. Not only was his body rebelling against him, but he also was under attack from the evil one. The closer we get to You,my God, the more vulnerable are our mind, body, soul, and spirit to outside sources. I want to become more and more like You, Lord, to be “conformed” to You. But, is the road of suffering the only way to You, my God?

     Paul Daneo writes: “ I experienced some dryness and also some recollection, specially through the agonies of my Jesus. I remembered that last evening, Thursday, I was saying that the memory of the sad and sorrowful day of Friday was something to make one agonize and collapse. I asked my Jesus to make me collapse with sorrow. “

     Orlando’s entry: On 1720, December 20th fell on a Friday, so Paul goes to his Remembrance of the Passion of our Lord to “recollect” himself….. According to the Catholic Encyclopedia, “Recollection, as understood in respect to the spiritual life, means attention to the presence of God in the soul. It includes the withdrawal of the mind from external earthly affairs in order to attend to God and Divine things. It is the same as interior solitude in which the soul is alone with God.” In other words, when you are “recollected” you are in a true state of prayer. When I attempt to reach this wonderful state, I spend a considerable amount of time trying to get past myself, all the discomforts, distractions, the mass of thoughts and pre-conceptions, even the prayer words and Biblical inspirations that lead me to YOU, my Lord. Sometimes I get closer to You than others. Sometimes You just “grab” me at any moment of Your choosing , and bless me with delightful Love. Sometimes You break my heart.      St. Paul of the Cross invites us to find this state of recollection by going straight to the Passion of Jesus, perhaps “in fear and trembling”, as another Paul once wrote. When he was 65 years old, St. Paul of the Cross gave us this image of recollection: “ Regarding the mysteries of the Passion of our Lord, I advice you to stay with those in which you find more devotion and cause you to love God. But when your soul is pleased to remain in the sacred silence of faith and holy love, resting in the bosom of the Father, follow that inclination, even though it lasts for all your prayer. Obey the Holy Spirit, who DRAWS you in prayer.”

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, I feel for Paul Daneo. Here he is in that small cell “collapsed with sorrow” because his meditation took him to that “sorrowful day of Friday”, when You, my Lord were judged, sentenced, scourged, and crucified. Yet in the outside world, in the town of Castellazo, it was the season of Advent and people were joyfully awaiting for the celebration of Your birth. Here we have the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. And where are You, my Jesus? You are everywhere. You are the Life!     St. Paul of the Cross, throughout the years, has led me to understand the Love that radiates from You on that Cross. But You are the beginning and the end, and this has led me to ponder about when Your Passion really began. From discussions with others in the Passionist Community I have learned of different possibilities. Your Passion began when You, my God, decided on Creation, some say. I’ve also heard that Your Passion began the moment Mary said “Yes”. Whenever Your Passion began my Lord Jesus, what every example shows is the love You have for us! I see that! And as a Lay Passionist, I feel that, and always carry it in my heart! 

      On this day Paul Daneo writes: “I experienced sweetness mingled with tears of special contrition for my sins, and this before confession and also afterwards— and then it disappeared.”

    Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, sitting with You looking over my sins, when I’m getting ready to go for confession is almost like sitting with my best friend talking about what ails me. As I sit there and meditate on what I will say, I find the connection to You, my Jesus. You guide my thoughts and my words, so when the time comes I feel totally ready. There is “a sweetness mingled with tears” as I face You beforehand. You calm me, bringing peace to a troubled soul and mind. I am so aware of Your concern and Your love for me.      I remember the first time I went to confession after being away from my Faith for over 40 years. What a job that was, but You, my Jesus, were with me the whole time! I remember, the year was 2011, the year I met You,my Lord. It was inside one of those confessionals where you kneel, it’s dark, and the priest opens the window. I have to admit I was scared, but You helped me to get ready. I was facing, in my mind, my Redeemer and Savior, and as I read my sins (there were many), the priest would keep saying, “Oh my! Oh my!”. At the end I came out crying, but relieved! I was exhausted, but elated! I had faced my Lord God and told Him everything that He already knew! It was like a dream! I have to admit that I don’t know what the priest said to me that day, but I do know that my God had a smile on His face ( I could see it with my soul). When I stopped crying I smiled back and told Him “Thank You!”

     Orlando’s entry: In his brief entry, Paolo writes about the Sacrament of Reconciliation and the sweet sorrow of contrition. Yesterday I expressed how contrition strikes my heart. I break down before the incredible love and mercy of my Lord. Sometimes it is too much. When I receive the kind advice and absolution of the good priest, I always feel Jesus’ Holy Spirit flooding me with peace. I love this Sacrament, even though I’m ashamed and afraid to go into that confessional. I am a “serial sinner”, but my Lord is a “Serial Forgiver”. Sometimes I wonder whether I’m just trying to take advantage of Him, Who loves me too much!     In our discussion today, Berta commented on how we have failed to accomplish one of the recommended Advent practices: to read a Gospel from beginning to end. She wondered whether we have walked enough with Jesus, having dedicated so much time to walking with St. Paul of the Cross. It’s part of an issue that we are often concerned about. How well are we actually doing in our spiritual journey? There is so much “God-information” coming at us that our minds are just going on overload!      Paul of the Cross wrote later in his life: “ When you become too introspective and curious about your own progress, you have lost sight of God. It is better to stand at the foot of the Cross without noticing yourself.” On another occasion he wrote: “Let such introspection alone and walk in simplicity, loving the will of God and standing by the Cross of Jesus.”….. I get past this barrage of images and look for You, Lord. You look back at me! What else can I say?

      Paul Daneo finishes his entry for the previous four days like this: “ The continual desire for the conversion of all sinners does not leave me. I feel particularly moved to pray to God because I do not wish Him to be offended anymore.”

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, this young man, Paul Daneo, wished to share Your love so much that he wanted all people to know You and love You just as much as you do. His whole life at this particular time was dedicated to You, my God. If he didn’t think about You, guilt would burden him along with other things. He wanted anyone not dedicated to You to get to know You the way he was trying to do. He would pray fervently for the “conversion of all sinners”. I believe we all need to pray for others, specially those that haven’t yet met You, my God. I feel they are missing so much. I leave them to You, leave them in Your capable hands. I set them at the foot of Your Cross! I was one of those people once and You opened my eyes so I could see, and  opened my ears so I could hear You, my God. Thank You, my Beautiful One. May others be as blessed as I was that day You came and got me!

     Orlando’s entry: In the final part of his entry Paul expresses the hurt that he feels at knowing that so many people do not know and love Jesus. I am reminded that Paul is on this retreat to discern his mission to save souls for the God he loves. He feels specially sad for our God who sees the sinfulness of His people.      I have already written about the sorrow that I feel, in the middle of prayer, for those persons, and beg God to touch their hearts with His Presence, with the gift of faith. But Paolo points out how God is offended by our rejection. I wonder, can God be offended, angered by our sinfulness? There are plenty of instances in the Bible that lead us to think this is true. We had better fear God!      Yet, my mind was sent into a prayer of meditation on the Passion of my Lord and God: ….. Bound Jeus, already abused and beaten, answers the high priest, “Why ask me? Ask those who heard me what I said to them. They know what I said.” When he had said this, one of the temple guards standing there struck Jesus and said, “Is this the way you address the high priest?” (John 18: 21-22) The soldier must had hit Him hard, in the face, maybe with some object, maybe drawing blood. I feel hurt and terrified by this image, but I am also angered and offended. I want to hit this man back, the bully! Does my Lord feel this way, when He has chosen to die for this man? If some stranger hits my little granddaughter, I would probably go crazy with rage. How did my Heavenly Papa react to the abuses against His son? How does He react to the cruelty of His children toward each other? Jesus answers His offender: “Why do You strike me?” He asks me the same. It breaks my heart, because all that I see in those eyes is love and concern for me!

     Paolo Daneo continues: “ During these days I was suddenly moved to shed tears, but they ceased immediately or at least remained only for a short time, and then I continued in the way I have described. But, by the mercy of the Sovereign Good, peace of heart did not leave me; I mean that I did not feel my heart troubled with scruples but truly at peace with God. It even seems to me that I do nothing good— as is indeed true— but I trust in the great goodness of the Sovereign Good. May He be loved by all. Amen.”

     Orlando’s entry: Paolo continues pushing through these painful four days of introspection and anguish. He cries often, but his trust in the goodness of God makes him realize that at the bottom of it all, here is constant peace, because GOD IS WITH HIM.      I go back to meditate, as I have often done, on something that Fr. (now Bishop) Robert Barron said a few years ago. He compared the encounter with God to this image:     You are driving through the city in your car. You haven’t washed it in days, but your windshield is clean enough that you can see through it, OK no problem. Suddenly, you turn a corner and  find yourself facing a huge rising sun, which illuminates every little speck of dirt on that windshield, so that you’re blinded and you begin to fear for your life…..Fr. Barron says that when you get very close to the Light of God your sins, flaws, aches, and wounds are illuminated in such a powerful way . You feel so unworthy! What will you do?         Paul Daneo seems to say that this glaring light is also the Light of Love, and we should go towards it, rest in it! Later in his life, Paul of the Cross wrote: “ Continue with your customary recollection. Immerse yourself totally in God. Rest on the loving bosom of God like a baby. Oh, much can a loving soul say to its God in that sacred silence of love!”     Dear Papa, I thank You and Your servant Paolo, my Patron Saint, for teaching me to pray this way!

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, how many times have I felt like Paul Daneo, “truly at peace with God”, but knowing that I have done nothing to deserve it. I believe that the Holy Spirit comes to woo us many times. He will touch us and we will suddenly be “moved to shed tears”. The Spirit will bring peace to our hearts. He will allow a soft breeze to touch our cheeks and bring love  and knowledge of Him.      In the last few days I have been at my oasis. God has revealed how much He loves, me. It’s not something based on facts. What has happened to me can only happen through the Supernatural; it’s a relief for the soul. What came to me was a song sung to my soul. The Holy Spirit has visited us in our house thanks to our abandonment to our Lord God during these days of retreat with St. Paul of the Cross. The desert that I was in, drowning in the sand, has disappeared for now. It has been replaced by a sea of love, Your Love, my Jesus. It’s a sea of Sacred Water where we are being immersed in Your love, my Triune God! Thank You for the care, the compassion, and all the gifts of the Holy Spirit You are blessing us with.                                                                                              May Your name be praised now and always!

     Paolo Daneo continues…..”I kept asking my Jesus not to deliver them from them [the negative obstacles to prayer], but rather to make me walk the path of suffering; whence it followed by a special grace of God, that although I was in particular desolations, temptations, and interior afflictions, it did not occur to me to desire any relief .”

     Orlando’s entry: At 6:30 a.m. I delighted in the “Prayer of Contemplation”, by Fr.Ignacio Larrañaga, an important faith teacher in my life. It was a peaceful, relaxing experience; at its best moments, I felt the great strengthening of my faith and almost as if I could touch my Loving God. But, throughout the demanding day, frustration upon frustration came to assail me and destroy my peaceful mood. Like Paolo Daneo, I accept this “ path of suffering” and stay in my faith in the love of my God. But I plead for His help in this. I went to another prayer by Ignacio Larrañaga, “The Prayer of Surrender (patience)”:  Lord, give me the grace to accept with peace:- that You have the Wisdom and freedom to give us what You think, not necessarily what we want, since all You give us is a free gift for us.- I accept the long, zig-zagging path of prayer, that the road to holiness be so long and daunting.- I accept the countless set backs that come.- I accept seeing everything pass or decay.- disease and physical pain.- my insignificance (I will die and the world will go on!), I accept loneliness and death. – I accept wanting to do so much and accomplishing so little.- seeing my best efforts having such meager results.- that I end up doing what I don’t want to do, and neglecting what I should do. – I accept what I should’ve been, and never was, what I should have done and never did.- reaching my limits and tasting failure, not being understood by others. I offer all of this, and more, to You my Lord; all I ask for is Your peace.

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, I just realized today that Paul Daneo is going right through Advent with no sense of the joy and expectation that usually goes with this season. All his distractions and loneliness has led him away from what is happening outside of his small cell. I feel for him, my Lord Jesus. He doesn’t want relief from all these temptations and sufferings. As for me, I am in a good place, with You, my Lord Jesus. I am celebrating Your Coming. I’m thankful to You that in the middle of everything that’s going on around me I can still find some joy and hope in everyone I interact with. The dark world outside is lit up in Your honor. Our expectations are high! The arrival of You, my Lord, is imminent! Blessed be the Lord most High! Allelujah!

    Once again Paul Daneo skips three days from writing anything. On the fourth day he makes a long entry which we will divide into four parts.
    For December 15-18, 1720 Paul wrote: “During these days I was dry, distracted with uneasiness and conflicts between the spirit and the flesh of the kind that I have explained above. Assailed sometimes more, sometimes less by impatience; tempted to leave my prayer; temptations to eat, feeling a specially keen appetite—  this happened to me even at prayer.”

    Orlando’s entry: Here come four more days of trials and temptations for Paul. Eventually he will face them with perseverance, acceptance, even gratitude to God, but at first it must have been so difficult. After reading this I again realize that the closer I feel that I am coming to God, the farther I realize that I am. Today, in my prayer of “Elevation,” I remain “stuck” to the ground! Disturbing thoughts and temptations abound. My body itches or aches in different places. I even look at the clock to see if enough time has passed so I can “call it a day” at prayer. Images of Cuban-style pulled pork and plantains, some rum cake, and a couple of glasses of wine interfere with my attempts to imagine God. Later, at Mass, this happens again.

    The only consolation I get is that at the most unexpected moments my Loving God just grabs my full attention and touches me in the sweetest, most powerful, luminescent way. He indulges me so! I don’t deserve it. It is as if He gives me just a small spoonful of the sweetest honey, that can last me the whole day and make me see how blessed I am to know Him. But the honey sits bitterly in my stomach.

     I complain to my God: “Lord, why can’t You give this joy to everyone in the world? Why do so many people not know You? Please, my Beloved, manifest Yourself to all of them! Then peace on earth, here and now, can have a chance! This is my Christmas prayer. I don’t care how impossible it seems to me. Forgive me for being Your petulant little toddler!”

    Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, I identify so much with what the young Paolo Daneo wrote in his diary today: “I was dry, distracted with uneasiness and conflicts between the spirit and the flesh”….. Yes, Lord Jesus, You know I have felt like that many a time. I want to be with You, in Your presence, basking in the peace of Your graces, but then out of the blue unrequited thoughts come and invade that peace. Impatience all of the sudden sticks its ugly head in! Hunger, or gluttony wrack my brain! Things that have been neglected shine into my brain and disturb my eyes, and I give up on You, my Jesus

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    What can I say except that I’m human and sometimes the mind is more powerful than the soul. Forgive me, my Jesus, for being such a weak specimen. I’m trying to grow through You, with You, and in You. Don’t give up on me, my Lord Jesus. You, my God, are my hope, my life, and my salvation. I count on You! Thank You for Your patience and Your love. Help me to persevere!