Paolo continues: “Care must be taken not to withdraw from prayer at such a trying time because suffering would not be thereby diminished; on the contrary, without gain to itself, the soul would be the more afflicted because it would see itself slipping into tepididity. However I know that God makes me understand that the soul which God wishes to draw to a high degree of union with himself by means of prayer must travel along this road of suffering in prayer, of suffering, I repeat, without any sensible consolation so that the soul no longer knows where it is, so to speak, but has the deep infused knowledge which God gives it that it is ever in the arms of its Spouse and is nourished by his infinite charity.”

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, as I continue to read Paolo’s diary I’m beginning to reflect on my life during this pandemic. What I am going through is similar to being locked up in a small room most of the day trying to find ways to relieve my mind from worry, fear, anxiety, and unhappiness. Lord Jesus, I am actually retreating into myself more and more. You know that has been my tendency since I was a young girl. I’ve fallen back to old ways: not going out (I have an excuse now), not reaching out to others, getting away from reality by watching too much TV, and one that bothers me the most and I’m constantly fighting–neglecting my prayers, thus neglecting You!     St. Paul of the Cross’ diary  and the scripture readings for the last few weeks have made me aware of my shortcomings. I have many. I am a sinner. I am unworthy. But then my soul cries out. It reaches out to You, my Lord Jesus. It reaches out to her Savior! My soul won’t allow me to go into deep despair. She holds on to You, Lord Jesus, for dear life! Life with You. Life for You. Life because of You!     I’m sorry, my Lord, to burden You this way. I’ve tried to follow in Your footsteps and catch the dust from Your feet. I’m struggling now, but I know, and I have the consolation that You have always been my Savior, that You have always loved me, that You have my back now and always. I love You too! I am thankful that You won’t ever give up on me. And so I persevere in prayer.

     Orlando’s entry: Beloved Lord! Because of Your Grace I also persevere in prayer; I seek Your Face, Your Light, Your Presence. At least I have that in common with Paolo. But I am not suffering so much. What I carry with me for most of the day is Your Peace. In our shared reflection Berta tells me that I am indeed suffering. I feel so sad to be drifting away from my son and grandchildren due to the pandemic. I miss the outdoors, and sometimes I walk around this house like a caged animal. The physical ailments and limitations that come with my age frustrate me. I cannot share my faith, nor reach out to others the way I used to, in person. But, my grandchildren are beautiful and healthy, happy to see me, even if “social distancing”. Berta and I walk the neighborhood or Alley Park and find beauty at times. I have no serious physical problems yet. I keep in touch with people by phone and Zoom, and relish in their existence. I go to YOU in the Eucharist and You fill me with Your Love.      I never forget the sufferings of Paolo Daneo, Your Sufferings on the Cross, nor the multitude of sufferings that afflict Your Creation. I feel them and they break my heart, yet I approach You most of the time in gratitude and joy. That’s what You make me feel! In prayer, you give me almost complete detachment from everything except the nourishment of Your infinite charity. Thank You, thank you, Beloved Prince of Peace.

For this week’s homily please watch the video below.

On December 11,1720  Paolo continues: “Now I understand that this kind of prayer of suffering is a great gift which God grants to the soul to make it a spotless robe of purity, a rock in the face of suffering, to such a point that it no longer takes account of it. When, by God’s grace, the soul reaches such a state, the Sovereign Good will inflame it with love.”

     Orlando’s entry: According to Paolo the “prayer of suffering” cleanses and strengthens us as if it were the very Blood of the Lord, which makes us holy persons in snow-white robes or melts us into solid granite, able to face our weaknesses, and get past all impediments, to rest in the Heart of Fiery Love. For some strange reason I was reminded of my beloved passage, Hebrews 4:12-13: “Indeed the word of God is living and effective, sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating even between soul and spirit, joints and marrow, and able to discern reflections and thoughts of the heart. No creature is concealed from Him, but everything is naked and exposed to the eyes of Him, to Whom we must render an account.” Getting split open by a sharp sword is indeed suffering, specially if this is the sword of Love and Forgiveness, hurting us with such shame and guilt, because we fall short of what He deserves from us who really strive (or do we?) to show Him how much we love Him.     So I offer Him my sufferings in penance. Except that, at this stage of my life, these “sufferings” are merely physical discomforts, fears, frustrations, annoyances, and moments of sadness, so insufficient compared to the struggles of young Paolo and most certainly to the agonies of the Man-God on the Cross. Yet He still takes the little I offer and gives me the consolation of His unconditional Love. The joy I feel is not my invention— I know, I believe it’s all Him! I refer the reader to Hebrews 4:14-16, where I find the heart of my Lord’s Love.

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, I don’t enjoy or even like any type of suffering. St. Paul of the Cross’ entries in his diary have been all about suffering lately. It made me wonder what could be the sufferings of a 26-year old Paolo Daneo. Well, Jesus, what about loneliness, hunger, cold, guilt, disappointment, sickness. There they are, enough sufferings to last a lifetime. Enough sufferings to take him straight to the Cross. We all look for a connection to You, my God! After we’ve found You we don’t want to let go. I also reach out to You through Your Cross and Passion. You, my Jesus, are my example of love, humility, compassion, kindness, and living this life of suffering. 

     From December 10 to December 12,1720, Paolo did not write anything. On December 13 he made a long entry which we have divided into four parts which we reflected on for days 18-21 of our retreat. Paolo wrote: “ I was dry, distracted, tempted; I had to force myself to stay at prayer. I was tempted to gluttony and hunger came over me. I felt the cold more than usual and the flesh wished for some comfort, and on that account I wanted to run away from prayer, by the grace of God the spirit held out but the violence and the assaults kept coming from both the flesh and the devil. For my part, I believed that the devil entered into it because I know he has a special grudge against anyone who prays. Then, as I have said, my resistance made my heart jump. I kept trembling from head to foot; my bones and my back ached all over. But, by God’s mercy, I kept on saying that I wanted to hold out even if I had to be carried away in little bits. This happened because the flesh wanted to have relief before the fixed time that I had planned to stay at prayer. When the prescribed time came for me to leave, I remained on in peace and tranquility wishing always for more suffering, so that I asked God never to take sufferings away from me. This also happened to me on other occasions and often; blessed be God for it.”

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, St. Paul stated in his diary entry that he was being distracted and tempted both by the flesh and by the devil. He believed, as many Catholics do, that: “ the devil entered into it because I know he has a special grudge against anyone who prays.” I always considered my distractions and temptations as my own problems. I’ve never considered that the jealousy of the evil one would be causing many of these temptations and distractions. From now on, when I can’t concentrate on prayer I’m going to stop and turn to You , my Jesus. I’ll ask You to help me by covering me with Your Precious Blood and filling me with Your Holy Spirit. I will remain in that moment until I feel the peace of Your Love and Mercy reigning over me. Then You will continue, Lord Jesus, leading me in prayer. Thank You, my Triune God for guiding me to You and always showing me a new way.

     Orlando’s entry: We could not do our shared prayers in the morning because I had to go on a food drive with my fellow Knights of Columbus. In front of a store we basically “begged” for money or groceries for the hungry. The fellowship I felt with these men was so great. I am not a personal friend with any of them but I felt as if the front of that supermarket was located in a suburb of heaven, praise God. I got home so satisfied, tired, and hungry (I still had hours of fasting left in the day!) that I was in no mood to do the reading and reflection with Berta. I got into it grudgingly. If it were not for our 40-day retreat I would have found any excuse to avoid prayer.      I feel so fortunate compared to Paolo Daneo, who is getting “cabin fever” in that cold, little room. Yet, across the centuries, he inspires me to persevere in prayer. Eventually, as Berta and I struggled with our task, “peace and tranquility” entered our hearts. As for physically fit, twenty-six-year-old, saintly Paolo asking God to bring him “more suffering”, I just can’t fully join him there. My afflicted, 70-year-old body rather revels in thanking God for any relief I get.      It’s O. K.; the Passion is coming for every one of us sooner or later. Either way, “blessed be God for it!” 

     On December 9,1720 Paul Daneo writes:” I was greatly troubled and molested by thoughts. At holy Communion I was recollected, then dry, and again molested by thoughts. In petitions made to God in prayer by night I was very fervent, especially in praying for the conversion of sinners.”

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, I can so commiserate with the way St. Paul was feeling today. Trying to pray, yet only burdening thoughts would come.I understand that so well, my Lord! Sometimes as I try to sit and listen to Your Word my mind is pulled away by all the troubling situations we have to deal with in life. Here I am trying to empty myself of all of this so You would have an empty canvas to work with, and what happens is that the canvas all of the sudden becomes black— no room for You! How do I get back to You? Maybe some days are not for reaching out to You in a personal way, thinking only of myself. Maybe those days are meant for interceding for others in prayer. It could be that what You are looking for from me is empathy and compassion for others! Yes, Lord Jesus, those days of dryness or negative thoughts I will dedicate to others through intercessory prayer or a visit, a phone call, a ministry. Yes, those are days not concerned with self. They are days dedicated to You and what You need for me to do. Thank You, my God, for opening my eyes and my ears to You. Our relationship is not an easy one, my Lord. Slowly I am learning!!!

     Orlando’s entry: Day 17 was another tough day for Paolo. This morning at breakfast Berta declared to me that she was not looking forward to today. She felt weak and nauseous. I was not doing too well myself, getting into that strange, unexplainable bad mood as I found the honey in my cereal cloying. I remembered this later when we read the Bible reading from Rev. 10: 8-11. The scroll, the Word of God, tastes like sweetest honey, but sits bitterly in the stomach. Suddenly we were feeling the most powerful craving for the Eucharist, so we took our masks and dragged ourselves to Mass at Our Lady of the Snows. I had a most anointed, recollected time, in God, during the whole Mass; thank You, Lord. My Berta finally experienced relief and peace after receiving Jesus. We went for a walk in the beautiful day. We called friends in need. Slowly, we were healed. Our God is with us.

“Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will refresh you,” Jesus says in today’s gospel.  Notice Jesus speaks to the “crowds” in Matthew’s gospel, not just to his disciples who know him or to the Jewish Christian church Matthew wrote for at the end of the first century. 

 God’s love and God’s promises reach far beyond the circle of disciples or the church. Jesus Christ reaches out to refresh the world that labors and is burdened, even if it doesn’t know him.

Scholars say today’s Old Testament reading is from Second Isaiah, not from Isaiah the priest who spoke in Jerusalem as Assyrian armies threatened the city in 8th century BC. Second Isaiah is an unknown prophet speaking to Jewish exiles in Babylon centuries later, urging Jews to return to Jerusalem and build it up. He uses Isaiah’s name and language instead of his own probably to avoid trouble with Babylonian’s leaders for suggesting such a thing.

But not many Jews answered his call to return to Jerusalem. historians say. Some did, others were not interested in the invitation. Taken captive to Babylon centuries before, Babylon’s now their home. They’re part of the place; they have families and jobs there. Jerusalem is far away and its future uncertain.

Still, many remain faithful Jews in Babylon, and later as part of the dispersion in Rome and other parts of the world. Centuries afterward the Christian church became established in the world through them. 

We need to study Judaism more fully as a template for our own church, especially the mystery of Exile. Today we’re experiencing an exile in our church– in the United States for every one person who join’s us, six leave. We need to study the exile of the Jews. 

Will those we lose be a way to become a more universal church?

The unknown prophet in today’s readings warns Jewish exiles not to abandon God for Babylon’s gods. 

“To whom can you liken me as an equal?

says the Holy One…

Do you not know

or have you not heard?

The LORD is the eternal God,

creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint nor grow weary,

and his knowledge is beyond scrutiny.” (Isaiah 40, 25-31)

We have to pray for our own exiles. God still holds them in his hands, sustains and comforts them, even if they do not know him or seem to care. God’s Spirit is still within them.

     On December 8,1728 Paul Daneo writes: “In prayer I was at peace as usual. In offering the sufferings which my Jesus endured I felt moved to tears; likewise in praying for the needs of my neighbor. At holy Communion I was particularly recollected, especially is a sorrowful and loving remembrance of the sufferings of my Jesus.      “This high favor which the good God grants me at such a time I know not how to explain because I cannot. You must know that, in recalling the sufferings of my dear Jesus, sometimes when I have only recalled one or two I have to stop because the soul can say no more and feels that it is melting away. It remains thus languishing with the greatest sweetness mingled with tears, with the sufferings of the Spouse infused into it; or to explain it more clearly, it is immersed in the Heart and in the sorrows of its beloved Spouse, Jesus. Sometimes it understands them all, and remains thus in God in this loving and sorrowful contemplation. It is very difficult to explain; it always seems to me to be something new.”

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, as I sit and ponder upon the Crucifix I am filled with awe and wonderment. It is hard for me to look at You upon that Cross and not see the Love permeating from it! Each wound shows me the mystery behind my God. These wounds are openings that speak to me of love: compassion, sacrifice, salvation, and total dedication and giving of self. I will never understand why You decided to suffer for us in this way, but I do want You to know that I am eternally grateful to a God that gave His all for me. You gave Yourself willingly, humbly, and quietly for me! How can I ever repay You? Maybe by being the person You want and need be to be? Help me to be open to Your guidance. I am already open to Your love!

     Orlando’s entry: To think that the week before, Paul was in a well of dryness and depression. Today was a luminous time for him. Through perseverance in prayer, God finally reward him with emotions of love and empathy for the Crucified Jesus and for humanity. It is not altogether pleasant; there are bitter tears and deep sorrow involved. And then, for this anointed man, CONTEMPLATION of the mystery, wonder, and consolation of God descends upon him. Such an experience is unexplainable.    

 I loved how he wrote that the God experience seems brand new every day. Today I had little time to pray in my usual way. Berta had an important appointment with the eye doctor. We were very worried about her eyesight. Because of the coronavirus, I had to wait outside for 1 1/2 hours. I prayed for so many people, then went for a long walk in the thirty-degree windy weather. My eyes and heart gradually opened to the desolate late-fall landscape on either side of Shelter Rock Road. I praised my God for His Creation. As I walked all alone in that expanse, I had to stop three times to look behind me, because I felt that someone was walking right in back of me. There was no person anywhere. Suddenly, I just KNEW that my silent companion was Jesus Himself. That was an unexpected, new experience for me!    

 Back at the car, on the phone, I rejoiced and thanked and praised God with my Charismatic God-friend Marie, because our friend Betty had come out successfully from her cancer operation. Just then, my wife came into the car to tell us that her eyes were fine! The three of us, through speaker-phone, went on and on in laughter and praise for our Living God. We just couldn’t stop. It was a wild, luminous moment. Thank You, My Lord!

     On December 7th,1720 Paul Daneo writes this large entry: “ During morning prayer I was at peace and then again troubled with thoughts. At holy Communion I was particularly recollected and uplifted with tears to such an extent that my bones and my stomach ached for I was shivering a little from the cold— but then it all disappeared. This often happens to me. I know I have felt bodily weakness before— oh infinite mercy of our Sovereign Good! After holy Communion, I feel myself growing better and strong. According to the understanding God gives me, this comes from the great strength which the soul receives from that angelic Food which has likewise the effect of strengthening the body.  

  ” I had likewise great fervor mingled with tears in praying for the conversion of poor sinners; I kept telling God that I could no longer bear to see Him offended. I had also special tenderness in imploring God in His mercy to found the holy Congregation quickly, and send forth some people for His greater glory and for the good of their neighbors— this with great desire and fervor. I asked Him to accept me as the least and lowest servant of His poor, and it seemed to me that I was utterly unworthy (as indeed I am) to serve Him as a scullion.    

” I had great self-knowledge. When God gives me this deep knowledge of myself, it seems to me that I am worse than a devil, that I am a smelly cesspool, as in truth is the case; but never do I lose the greatest and most tender confidence in my Sacramental Spouse. I tell Him that in giving me so many graces and such innumerable favors, He only displays all the more His infinite mercies because He acts thus toward the greatest of sinners. In all things, blessed be His holy name.”

     Orlando’s entry: This is a very important day for the Passionist Congregation. Paolo finishes writing his Rule on this day. This day is at the heart of our celebration of the 300th YearJubilee, as we observe it in a way similar to San Paolo—” in lock-down “, “stay-at-home”, “quarantined”, feeling the cold of winter growing around us.  Thank You Lord, for giving us this consolation in the middle of this strange, sorrowful time!     Paolo’s entry for this day speaks more eloquently than anything else I can say about his themes: the power of the Eucharist, the zeal for mission in saving others, the finding of who we are through our Lord Jesus Christ: unworthy creatures, so beloved by Him!

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, it fascinates me how Paul was so in tune with the Sacramental Jesus. Do WE truly see You, my Lord Jesus in that Host? Are WE truly aware, as Paul was of the many graces and favors You bestow on us every time we take You into our bodies?      No matter how I look at it, I know very well that I am a sinner. I know that I am not perfect, but I also know that You, my Jesus, love me! Thank You for not putting me aside or throwing me away for my imperfections and my sins. Every time I take You, my Jesus, into my body, I know that I am being filled with Your goodness and Your love. There is nothing that can compare to this. May every one of Your children, Lord, that takes You into their bodies at Mass realize what a treasure they are taking. Every part of us is being fed: our mind, body, soul and spirit. “In all things blessed be Your Holy Name.” 

     On December 6, 1720 Paul Daneo wrote: “I was especially recollected, particularly during holy Communion after which I had great peace and tranquility with a sense of intense love. I was especially fervent in praying to God that He would hasten to found this Congregation in holy Church, and for sinners. I had a keen infused knowledge of the sufferings of my Jesus, and I felt so ardent a desire to be perfectly united with Him that I wished really to feel His sufferings and to be on the Cross with Him.     “These wonders cannot be explained through bodily comparisons because God makes them understood deep down in the soul with movements so spiritual that they cannot be explained— yet they are understood in a second.     All the rest of the day I was dry and also troubled with thoughts, but at peace.”

     Orlando’s entry: On his 14th day, Paul again finds great love and consolation during Communion. I can relate to that. The best thing that happens in my life is receiving the Living Jesus into my body. He has been there all along, but this infusion of Sacramental grace is what I wish for and pray for everyone in this world to experience.     On this day the young Paolo feels great zeal for his mission to establish the Congregation that will become my beloved Passionists. Thank You Lord. Paolo’s Charism also takes hold of him. He feels this “ardent desire” to share in, to feel, the sufferings of Jesus. I believe this is impossible for any human being. The agony that the Man God felt is too much for us to experience. As we strive to share in His incandescent wounds, instead of hurting us, their fire of Love gives us peace, strength, and hope above all suffering. This is my experience; it is hard to explain. By God’s merciful Will, I have hardly suffered in my life, but I know that my personal passion will come. I truly hope in faith that my Jesus will be with me through it all, as He takes me Home.

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, since we are following our retreat through St. Paul of the Cross’ diary entries, I feel compelled to write in mine. Today, for me, is one of those days “troubled with thoughts”. It was hard to concentrate, first on Your Word, Lord, and then on all our other readings. I am riding the roller coaster of humanity. Outside sources are working on me and that gets in my way to being with You, my God!      St. Paul this day was fervently praying to God regarding his mission. This prayer took him straight to the source. It took him to the Cross and to You my Jesus, our All!  Paul wanted to share in Your sufferings and to be in that Cross with You. After those seconds of connection to You, he went back to being “dry and also troubled with thoughts”, but at peace.”      Lord Jesus, today my soul, my mind, my body, and my spirit need mending. Looking at You on that Cross shows me how much You love me and how much You want to heal me! You have taken upon Yourself all our sins and sufferings. Help me now to fight the good fight. Help me to join You on that Cross and find peace and healing. Wash me with Your Precious Blood and Water that You spilled there on Calvary. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit, that will then guide me into our Father’s arms! I would like to reflect You, my God! Your mercy and love is all I need today! Your Light will be my guide.

     On December 5, 1720 Paolo writes: “During prayer and at Communion I was at peace. At the beginning— that is, before receiving Communion— I had much tenderness and also much self-knowledge. I asked the angels who assist at the adorable mystery to drive me forth from the church as worse than a devil; but at the same time special confidence in my Sacramental Spouse did not desert me. I asked Him to keep in mind the saying He has left me in the holy Gospel, that He is come to call not the just but sinners.”

     Orlando’s entry: I have got to stop watching the cable news before doing my meditations with Berta. I went into our readings distracted, full of anger and guilt regarding a number of people in the news.  Providentially at the end of our meditation we read from Passionist Bennet Kelley’s booklet of daily reflections (“Living Wisdom for Every Day”). In the Paul of the Cross quote for the day, the saint advises us not to see our resentment of others as a sin (!) but as an invitation to love, as we see that person that bothers us “at the side of Jesus”. A picture of the wounds of Jesus shining with incandescent white heat : power, love, forgiveness, mission, and so much more, radiating into me, takes over my mind and scares me, at the same time that this light heals me in so many ways! Jesus, Your Passion is the vortex, the center of gravity that lets me approach the answer, or at least some peace, in the mysteries of suffering and sin.      In his diary, 26-year old Paolo has a strangely similar experience. The Eucharist does not take him into a spiritual ecstasy this time, but rather into the peace of Jesus. That’s fine with me! But so much Jesus in our hearts, can split us open like the Sword, the Word, does, and exposes so many evil instincts in him (and me!). He feels violent  remorse. But his beloved Master reminds Paolo that he will never let him go. Our Lord came to heal sinners like him and me. This is an important Paulocrutian theme. Oh merciful God! I love You.     

Berta’s entry:  Dear Jesus, I trust in You! When we persist in calling out to You, You come, answer, and leave us with Your love. In Paolo’s diary entry today, he wrote that before Mass he was at peace. Before Communion he had “much tenderness and also much self-knowledge”. Yet, after Communion, he was asking the angels to treat him worse than a devil. But Paolo ended his entry by saying: “I asked Him to keep in mind the saying He has left me in the holy Gospel that he is come to call not the just but sinners.”     Here was a day of peace and self-knowledge but after Communion he sensed that he was not being humble enough. Here he was thinking that he had it all. What happened at Communion that he wanted to be treated worse than devils? I suppose that knowing that You, Jesus, came more for sinners than the righteous gave him some comfort.      The ups and downs of the psyche! One minute peace, the next neutral, then comes the misery, the sorrow, the uncertainty, the guilt… then back up to a much better thought process and attitude—the roller coaster of humanity. We have no peace, no satisfaction, unless we are with You, my Lord Jesus. You are the steady, dependable source in my life. I look to You for peace, understanding, patience and calmness! I look to You to help me understand myself through Your eyes. I realize that I have always been a sinner and that hasn’t changed. Thank You for coming for me! Help me see myself as You see me!