On this day Paul Daneo writes: “I experienced sweetness mingled with tears of special contrition for my sins, and this before confession and also afterwards— and then it disappeared.”

    Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, sitting with You looking over my sins, when I’m getting ready to go for confession is almost like sitting with my best friend talking about what ails me. As I sit there and meditate on what I will say, I find the connection to You, my Jesus. You guide my thoughts and my words, so when the time comes I feel totally ready. There is “a sweetness mingled with tears” as I face You beforehand. You calm me, bringing peace to a troubled soul and mind. I am so aware of Your concern and Your love for me.      I remember the first time I went to confession after being away from my Faith for over 40 years. What a job that was, but You, my Jesus, were with me the whole time! I remember, the year was 2011, the year I met You,my Lord. It was inside one of those confessionals where you kneel, it’s dark, and the priest opens the window. I have to admit I was scared, but You helped me to get ready. I was facing, in my mind, my Redeemer and Savior, and as I read my sins (there were many), the priest would keep saying, “Oh my! Oh my!”. At the end I came out crying, but relieved! I was exhausted, but elated! I had faced my Lord God and told Him everything that He already knew! It was like a dream! I have to admit that I don’t know what the priest said to me that day, but I do know that my God had a smile on His face ( I could see it with my soul). When I stopped crying I smiled back and told Him “Thank You!”

     Orlando’s entry: In his brief entry, Paolo writes about the Sacrament of Reconciliation and the sweet sorrow of contrition. Yesterday I expressed how contrition strikes my heart. I break down before the incredible love and mercy of my Lord. Sometimes it is too much. When I receive the kind advice and absolution of the good priest, I always feel Jesus’ Holy Spirit flooding me with peace. I love this Sacrament, even though I’m ashamed and afraid to go into that confessional. I am a “serial sinner”, but my Lord is a “Serial Forgiver”. Sometimes I wonder whether I’m just trying to take advantage of Him, Who loves me too much!     In our discussion today, Berta commented on how we have failed to accomplish one of the recommended Advent practices: to read a Gospel from beginning to end. She wondered whether we have walked enough with Jesus, having dedicated so much time to walking with St. Paul of the Cross. It’s part of an issue that we are often concerned about. How well are we actually doing in our spiritual journey? There is so much “God-information” coming at us that our minds are just going on overload!      Paul of the Cross wrote later in his life: “ When you become too introspective and curious about your own progress, you have lost sight of God. It is better to stand at the foot of the Cross without noticing yourself.” On another occasion he wrote: “Let such introspection alone and walk in simplicity, loving the will of God and standing by the Cross of Jesus.”….. I get past this barrage of images and look for You, Lord. You look back at me! What else can I say?

      Paul Daneo finishes his entry for the previous four days like this: “ The continual desire for the conversion of all sinners does not leave me. I feel particularly moved to pray to God because I do not wish Him to be offended anymore.”

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, this young man, Paul Daneo, wished to share Your love so much that he wanted all people to know You and love You just as much as you do. His whole life at this particular time was dedicated to You, my God. If he didn’t think about You, guilt would burden him along with other things. He wanted anyone not dedicated to You to get to know You the way he was trying to do. He would pray fervently for the “conversion of all sinners”. I believe we all need to pray for others, specially those that haven’t yet met You, my God. I feel they are missing so much. I leave them to You, leave them in Your capable hands. I set them at the foot of Your Cross! I was one of those people once and You opened my eyes so I could see, and  opened my ears so I could hear You, my God. Thank You, my Beautiful One. May others be as blessed as I was that day You came and got me!

     Orlando’s entry: In the final part of his entry Paul expresses the hurt that he feels at knowing that so many people do not know and love Jesus. I am reminded that Paul is on this retreat to discern his mission to save souls for the God he loves. He feels specially sad for our God who sees the sinfulness of His people.      I have already written about the sorrow that I feel, in the middle of prayer, for those persons, and beg God to touch their hearts with His Presence, with the gift of faith. But Paolo points out how God is offended by our rejection. I wonder, can God be offended, angered by our sinfulness? There are plenty of instances in the Bible that lead us to think this is true. We had better fear God!      Yet, my mind was sent into a prayer of meditation on the Passion of my Lord and God: ….. Bound Jeus, already abused and beaten, answers the high priest, “Why ask me? Ask those who heard me what I said to them. They know what I said.” When he had said this, one of the temple guards standing there struck Jesus and said, “Is this the way you address the high priest?” (John 18: 21-22) The soldier must had hit Him hard, in the face, maybe with some object, maybe drawing blood. I feel hurt and terrified by this image, but I am also angered and offended. I want to hit this man back, the bully! Does my Lord feel this way, when He has chosen to die for this man? If some stranger hits my little granddaughter, I would probably go crazy with rage. How did my Heavenly Papa react to the abuses against His son? How does He react to the cruelty of His children toward each other? Jesus answers His offender: “Why do You strike me?” He asks me the same. It breaks my heart, because all that I see in those eyes is love and concern for me!

     Paolo Daneo continues: “ During these days I was suddenly moved to shed tears, but they ceased immediately or at least remained only for a short time, and then I continued in the way I have described. But, by the mercy of the Sovereign Good, peace of heart did not leave me; I mean that I did not feel my heart troubled with scruples but truly at peace with God. It even seems to me that I do nothing good— as is indeed true— but I trust in the great goodness of the Sovereign Good. May He be loved by all. Amen.”

     Orlando’s entry: Paolo continues pushing through these painful four days of introspection and anguish. He cries often, but his trust in the goodness of God makes him realize that at the bottom of it all, here is constant peace, because GOD IS WITH HIM.      I go back to meditate, as I have often done, on something that Fr. (now Bishop) Robert Barron said a few years ago. He compared the encounter with God to this image:     You are driving through the city in your car. You haven’t washed it in days, but your windshield is clean enough that you can see through it, OK no problem. Suddenly, you turn a corner and  find yourself facing a huge rising sun, which illuminates every little speck of dirt on that windshield, so that you’re blinded and you begin to fear for your life…..Fr. Barron says that when you get very close to the Light of God your sins, flaws, aches, and wounds are illuminated in such a powerful way . You feel so unworthy! What will you do?         Paul Daneo seems to say that this glaring light is also the Light of Love, and we should go towards it, rest in it! Later in his life, Paul of the Cross wrote: “ Continue with your customary recollection. Immerse yourself totally in God. Rest on the loving bosom of God like a baby. Oh, much can a loving soul say to its God in that sacred silence of love!”     Dear Papa, I thank You and Your servant Paolo, my Patron Saint, for teaching me to pray this way!

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, how many times have I felt like Paul Daneo, “truly at peace with God”, but knowing that I have done nothing to deserve it. I believe that the Holy Spirit comes to woo us many times. He will touch us and we will suddenly be “moved to shed tears”. The Spirit will bring peace to our hearts. He will allow a soft breeze to touch our cheeks and bring love  and knowledge of Him.      In the last few days I have been at my oasis. God has revealed how much He loves, me. It’s not something based on facts. What has happened to me can only happen through the Supernatural; it’s a relief for the soul. What came to me was a song sung to my soul. The Holy Spirit has visited us in our house thanks to our abandonment to our Lord God during these days of retreat with St. Paul of the Cross. The desert that I was in, drowning in the sand, has disappeared for now. It has been replaced by a sea of love, Your Love, my Jesus. It’s a sea of Sacred Water where we are being immersed in Your love, my Triune God! Thank You for the care, the compassion, and all the gifts of the Holy Spirit You are blessing us with.                                                                                              May Your name be praised now and always!

     Paolo Daneo continues…..”I kept asking my Jesus not to deliver them from them [the negative obstacles to prayer], but rather to make me walk the path of suffering; whence it followed by a special grace of God, that although I was in particular desolations, temptations, and interior afflictions, it did not occur to me to desire any relief .”

     Orlando’s entry: At 6:30 a.m. I delighted in the “Prayer of Contemplation”, by Fr.Ignacio Larrañaga, an important faith teacher in my life. It was a peaceful, relaxing experience; at its best moments, I felt the great strengthening of my faith and almost as if I could touch my Loving God. But, throughout the demanding day, frustration upon frustration came to assail me and destroy my peaceful mood. Like Paolo Daneo, I accept this “ path of suffering” and stay in my faith in the love of my God. But I plead for His help in this. I went to another prayer by Ignacio Larrañaga, “The Prayer of Surrender (patience)”:  Lord, give me the grace to accept with peace:- that You have the Wisdom and freedom to give us what You think, not necessarily what we want, since all You give us is a free gift for us.- I accept the long, zig-zagging path of prayer, that the road to holiness be so long and daunting.- I accept the countless set backs that come.- I accept seeing everything pass or decay.- disease and physical pain.- my insignificance (I will die and the world will go on!), I accept loneliness and death. – I accept wanting to do so much and accomplishing so little.- seeing my best efforts having such meager results.- that I end up doing what I don’t want to do, and neglecting what I should do. – I accept what I should’ve been, and never was, what I should have done and never did.- reaching my limits and tasting failure, not being understood by others. I offer all of this, and more, to You my Lord; all I ask for is Your peace.

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, I just realized today that Paul Daneo is going right through Advent with no sense of the joy and expectation that usually goes with this season. All his distractions and loneliness has led him away from what is happening outside of his small cell. I feel for him, my Lord Jesus. He doesn’t want relief from all these temptations and sufferings. As for me, I am in a good place, with You, my Lord Jesus. I am celebrating Your Coming. I’m thankful to You that in the middle of everything that’s going on around me I can still find some joy and hope in everyone I interact with. The dark world outside is lit up in Your honor. Our expectations are high! The arrival of You, my Lord, is imminent! Blessed be the Lord most High! Allelujah!

    Once again Paul Daneo skips three days from writing anything. On the fourth day he makes a long entry which we will divide into four parts.
    For December 15-18, 1720 Paul wrote: “During these days I was dry, distracted with uneasiness and conflicts between the spirit and the flesh of the kind that I have explained above. Assailed sometimes more, sometimes less by impatience; tempted to leave my prayer; temptations to eat, feeling a specially keen appetite—  this happened to me even at prayer.”

    Orlando’s entry: Here come four more days of trials and temptations for Paul. Eventually he will face them with perseverance, acceptance, even gratitude to God, but at first it must have been so difficult. After reading this I again realize that the closer I feel that I am coming to God, the farther I realize that I am. Today, in my prayer of “Elevation,” I remain “stuck” to the ground! Disturbing thoughts and temptations abound. My body itches or aches in different places. I even look at the clock to see if enough time has passed so I can “call it a day” at prayer. Images of Cuban-style pulled pork and plantains, some rum cake, and a couple of glasses of wine interfere with my attempts to imagine God. Later, at Mass, this happens again.

    The only consolation I get is that at the most unexpected moments my Loving God just grabs my full attention and touches me in the sweetest, most powerful, luminescent way. He indulges me so! I don’t deserve it. It is as if He gives me just a small spoonful of the sweetest honey, that can last me the whole day and make me see how blessed I am to know Him. But the honey sits bitterly in my stomach.

     I complain to my God: “Lord, why can’t You give this joy to everyone in the world? Why do so many people not know You? Please, my Beloved, manifest Yourself to all of them! Then peace on earth, here and now, can have a chance! This is my Christmas prayer. I don’t care how impossible it seems to me. Forgive me for being Your petulant little toddler!”

    Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, I identify so much with what the young Paolo Daneo wrote in his diary today: “I was dry, distracted with uneasiness and conflicts between the spirit and the flesh”….. Yes, Lord Jesus, You know I have felt like that many a time. I want to be with You, in Your presence, basking in the peace of Your graces, but then out of the blue unrequited thoughts come and invade that peace. Impatience all of the sudden sticks its ugly head in! Hunger, or gluttony wrack my brain! Things that have been neglected shine into my brain and disturb my eyes, and I give up on You, my Jesus

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    What can I say except that I’m human and sometimes the mind is more powerful than the soul. Forgive me, my Jesus, for being such a weak specimen. I’m trying to grow through You, with You, and in You. Don’t give up on me, my Lord Jesus. You, my God, are my hope, my life, and my salvation. I count on You! Thank You for Your patience and Your love. Help me to persevere!

Matthew’s gospel read the first few days of 3rd week of Advent brings us to the temple in Jerusalem where Jesus should be recognized– but he isn’t. The religious leaders, representing the blindness of many, reject Jesus and John the Baptist. Jesus Christ will continue to be rejected..(Matthew 21,23-27)

By contrast, the Book of Numbers tells the story of Balaam the prophet, who’s offered a handsome pay for cursing the tribes of Israel. Instead he blessed them, recognizing God’s with them.  Even his donkey gets it right.

December 17th we turn to events preceding the birth of Jesus, reading Matthew’s genealogy of Jesus, which begins with Abraham and ends with Joseph, the husband of Mary. (Matthew 1, 1-17)

December 18^th Joseph, “Son of David,” is told of the conception and birth of the Child  He is to name him Jesus, because “he will save his people from their sins.” (Matthew 1,19-25)  In the first reading Jeremiah prophesies a return of God’s people to their own land. (Jeremiah 23,5-9=8)

Luke’s gospel, read  the remaining days of Advent, sets the stage for this world-changing event. Herod the Great rules in Palestine as the Angel Gabriel appears to Zechariah in the temples. The elderly priest is told that he and his wife Elizabeth will have a son who will be “the prophet of the Most High:” Luke 1,5-26 (December 19)

Six months later the Angel Gabriel announces to Mary in the small town of Nazareth that she will bring into the world a holy child, who will be called “the Son of God.” Luke 1,26-38 (December 20)) This happens in the days when Caesar Augustus is emperor of the Roman world, but Someone greater is coming.

Mary visits her cousin Elizabeth to share the Good News. Luke 1,39-45 (December 21) She offers her prayer of thanksgiving to God, her Magnificat: Luke 1,46-56 (December 22)

Other marvelous births are recalled in the Old Testament readings: Samson and Samuel  whose mothers – thought barren–  conceive and bear children. “Nothing is impossible for God.”

All is set for the birth of Jesus Christ.

     On December 14, 1720 Paolo Daneo wrote: “ I remained recollected and I also experienced dryness and distracting thoughts, and likewise the above-mentioned sufferings, but not so violent. At holy Communion I was recollected, making acts of love with tenderness to my Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. May He be praised and loved by all. Amen.

     Orlando’s entry: After those four intense days, Paolo seems to experience many of the same inspirations, desolations, and consolations that he has gone through before. It just seems that they have become a little less intense. Could he be falling into a routine? Perhaps our human minds and bodies just cannot keep up with the incandescent intensity of the mystical states that Paolo has gone through. I believe God is in charge of all those holy gifts. God sets the pace in His loving wisdom.     I look at my spiritual life during the past week and wonder whether I am also falling into a daily routine. My wife and I begin our shared meditations and can quickly get into a bad mood. At times we get distracted and ignore what the other person is saying, then get discouraged and offended, and force ourselves to trudge on. Eventually the Divine Arbiter calms us and brings us back to the acknowledgement of His Presence, and we experience peace and love. I go to pray and God, my loving father, once again rewards me with His Light and Hope. It feels wonderful. I am like a lucky kid, a golden boy, as He gently holds me. Do I have the right to feel this good?      Paul of the Cross writes later in his life: “Whoever looks only for consolation loses sight of the great God of consolation. Whoever remains in his or her own nothingness, distrusting himself or herself completely while trusting totally in God, will never be deceived.”…..Beloved God, I will humbly acknowledge my poverty of spirit. Whatever You send me, I’ll take it in gratitude. Thank You for being there always with me, and giving me the Faith to know it!

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, today the word that kept coming to me is “humility”. I feel that I need to come to You with a humble heart, soul, and mind. I have come to understand that You, my God, are a mystery that I don’t understand. Now, one day, if it is Your will, I will reach Eternal Life in Heaven and then You will reveal Yourself to me.     One of the most important things You taught us through Your Passion is how to be humble. Here You are, the King of the Universe, the Omnipotent God, coming to our world as a baby. You faced all human discomforts, all human fears, all human emotions. You faced all of it with humility and love. Towards the end of Your Passion, when everything became evil incarnate, You turned Your eyes to You Father and allowed Him to help You keep going. You did it with all humility.     May I learn from You, my God, that when I am facing all types of suffering, disappointments, fear, anger, impatience, rebellion, I may then turn to You, my Jesus, and face You in all humility so You can help me! Thank You for Your guidance, Your sacrifice, and Your love! 

Today, the third Sunday of Advent, Gaudete Sunday, we’ve added some holly and a small pine tree to our Mary Garden on the porch and flowers and evergreens to our chapel.“Rejoice always,” St. Paul says in our second reading at Mass. Why rejoice today? Jesus Christ, the Son of God, through whom all things were made, has come as our Savior. In 12 days we will celebrate his birth.

Who rejoices? John the Baptist rejoices today, announcing forgiveness in the desert. From ages past, the Prophet Isaiah tells us all through Advent to rejoice.  “I rejoice heartily in the LORD, in my God is the joy of my soul…As the earth brings forth its plants, and a garden makes its growth spring up, so will the Lord GOD make justice and praise spring up before all the nations.”

Today we have statues of Mary and Joseph before an empty crib near our altar. These figures of great faith tell us to rejoice as we wait for the Child. 

The flowers and evergreens now in our chapel are voices of creation telling us to rejoice. They represent our created world joyfully proclaiming this mystery. They reach back, like the bread and wine, through time. Flowers, represented by poinsettias, came to being 200 million years ago; they prepared the way for us human beings who needed their nourishment before we could be. 

We have many evergreens on our property. After the Laurentine glacier receded from Long Island 12,000 years or so ago, the small plants that sprang up on the tundra were succeeded by evergreens, the first trees here. They wait through the winter, ever green.

Today we rejoice with them.

     Paolo Daneo finishes his long entry for December 10-13, 1720: “I know— this I also understood but in a hidden way when I was enduring a particular suffering— that to him that overcomes will be given the hidden manna, which is what holy Scripture says. ‘The hidden manna’ I understand to be the sweet food of holy Love: that is, the soul rests in deepest repose with its beloved Spouse in prayer. Thanks be to God.”

     Orlando’s entry: Paolo seems to finish those difficult four days in a state of sweet “repose” within the blessed light of the Love of his Spouse, Jesus. I am reminded of the Buddhist practice of constant meditation on a “Koan”, a seemingly contradictory sentence or paragraph, until the mind finally surrenders to its inability to make any sense of it so that thinking gets out of the way and spiritual Truth invades the soul. In a way, Paolo’s immersion into the mystery of suffering strips away his sense of self, and leads him to that blissful state of intimate closeness with God.  

   I had been trying (maybe that’s the problem) to go into this deep dark well in order to find the Light of God’s presence in prayer with little success. Suddenly, I remembered that I had spent months reading the excellent book “God and the Mystery of Suffering”, by Fr. Robin Ryan,CP. In this book he presents the efforts of a number of great writers, like St. Thomas Aquinas, Elie Wiesel, and Julian of Norwich, to make sense out of why a loving God allows human suffering. What came to haunt me in prayer was this admission  by Fr. Ryan: In spite of all the theological apologetics, theodicies, all the arguments, the inspirations, the revelations of these good people, he  feels really helpless when someone in real life comes to him in tears, beyond consolation, because they lost a spouse to COVID-19, or lost a child in a senseless accident. What do you say to them? What can you possibly say to them?….. Pondering upon this, suddenly, the “style” of the Spirit stabs my heart and I begin to cry. The deeply scarred, Resurrected Beloved, just holds me quietly.

     Berta’s entry: Dear Jesus, life brings surprises every day. Some are good, and some are bad and disturbing. Like St. Paul of the Cross wrote in his diary today, the suffering may come but if you persist in prayer and not give up, “the hidden manna” will come. St. Paul understood it to be “the sweet food of holy Love”. My soul craves that sweet manna. I crave it, and I know You, my Lord Jesus, feed me with it every moment of my day. You offer Your Love to me and I am free to accept it or ignore it. You feed my soul with Your Love, and many a time my brain doesn’t register it. Oh, my Jesus, why do I let life get in the way? Help me to let go and let You enter fully into me, without outside distractions. Thank You for the “hidden manna”. Thank You for always being there! Thank You for all!